Subject: Diary Of A Snow Shoveler
December 8 - 6:00 PM
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the
wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge
soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses
Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight!
Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here
was the best idea I've ever had! Shoveled for the first time in
years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the
sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the
sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again.
What a perfect life!
December 12 The sun has melted all our lovely
snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to
worry we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas
would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of
winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think
that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our
neighbour.
December 14
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The
temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle
so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the
driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came
back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I
would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back
in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4
Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels.
Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity
goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in
the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed
for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the
blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and
try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but
won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I
can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20
Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn
stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The
damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to
shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're
lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow
blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I
think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will
have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches
of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt
till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to
shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed
again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow
on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I
think the asshole is lying.
December 23
Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to
0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this
morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a
month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.
December 24
6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the
shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch
the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the
snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he
hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he
comes down the street at 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've
just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her
and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.
December 25
Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn
slop tonight - Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood
boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by
asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The
wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking
idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one
more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
December 26
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move
here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came
after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my
pipes.
December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The
BITCH is driving me crazy!!!
December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or
it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb
does he think I am?
December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snowplow driver, and now
he is suing me for a million dollars, not only the beating I gave him,
but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife
went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.
December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more
shoveling.
January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills
they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
No comments:
Post a Comment