The Plaid Shirt

I bought a shirt at #Wal-Mart. Yes, I am a Wal-Mart Shopper. I’m not prejudiced against any store and I’m not fussy where I buy my stuff, as long as the price is right. Friday is usually our grocery shopping day. We buy groceries at Wal-Mart, #Extra Food and sometimes #Safeway or #Co-op, whoever has the best deals. Those are the only large grocery stores where we live. We don’t have much choice. Wal-Mart has better prices than Safeway and the food is just as fresh and so is the quality. Like I said, I’m not prejudiced.

Last Friday, while shopping, I came across a rack with shirts hanging on it. The sign above it said ‘Sale’. The sticker price was $3.00, down from $23.00. That caught my eye. When I see a price like that it spikes my interest. Not that I don’t have any shirts at home; I’ve got plenty, but there is always room for another shirt in my closet. Besides, how can I turn down a shirt for $3.00? A brand new shirt, too. And they all looked good. You can’t even buy the material for that kind of money, never mind spending hours and hours sewing it. Not that I could, anyway. I might be a handy guy with many things, but sewing a shirt isn’t one of them. I leave that up to the women in Bangladesh.

My wife, who saw me looking at the shirts, said, “You don’t need another shirt.” Just like that.

I said, “It’s not always about the need. Look at the price.”

“These are cheap shirts. You don’t buy a shirt at Wal-Mart.”

“They are down from $23.00. That’s not that cheap,” I argued.

“The reason they are on sale is because nobody buys them. When would you wear it?”

“At home. Maybe in the garden or yard. Nobody will see me in this shirt.”

“I’ll see you wearing it. Don’t I count?”

They always get you with that one. Don’t I count?

“Of course you count. But it’s not a bad looking shirt.”

Husbands think and reason completely different from their wives. I don’t even try to figure out how my wife thinks. When I contemplated buying that shirt I was aware there was a good chance I may never wear it anywhere but at home. The only people seeing me in it would be my wife and my neighbors, but if the neighbors see me wearing it they’ll be working in the yard just like me and they won’t be wearing their Sunday’s best. They may even wonder why I’m wearing such a fancy shirt. If, for some reason, I should end up wearing it in public, nobody will even notice me in that shirt. I’m quite sure of that. I see what the fashion is these days. Anyone buying new jeans with holes in them and wearing them with the crotch down to their knees and the crack of their butt showing has no right to criticize me in my plaid shirt.

“You don’t even know if it fits you,” my wife said.

“It will fit. The label says M/M on the collar. That’s my size.”

“That means nothing. You know the problem we have when we buy a shirt for you.”

Oh yes, I do, I thought but didn’t say it. “This one will fit,” I said. “I have a good feeling about it.”

“Okay. If that’s what you want.” She shrugged, as if saying, “It’s your funeral.”

You see, I usually don’t buy my own shirts. My wife does. I’m just there to model them for her before we buy. I have to try on many shirts before I get the okay to buy one. Now, before you make a comment like, “Don’t you have your own opinion?” let me explain. I have plenty of opinion, but I’ve been married long enough to have learned that you don’t buy any clothes without your wife’s approval. Any married man knows what I’m talking about. There is nothing worse than hearing, “Are you really going to wear that shirt?” She doesn’t even have to say the next sentence, “If you insist on wearing that thing you may not leave the house alive. I’m not going out with you dressed like that.” It’s the sentence of death I try to avoid. Besides, the same goes for the pants and the belt. Yes, it doesn’t stop with just the shirt.

I had been eyeing a reddish-brown plaid shirt, and I thought it looked nice. And most importantly, the price was right. So I made an executive decision. I pulled the plaid shirt off the rack and put it into our shopping cart. “I’m buying this one.”

“If you insist. I don’t really care, but don’t tell anyone you bought a shirt for $3.00 at Wal-Mart.”

“Why not?”

“Because! We never buy shirts at Wal-Mart.”

“This is actually a $23.00 shirt,” I argued. “Perhaps that was already a sale price.”

“It’s a cheap shirt.”

Men and women don’t think alike. Everyone knows that. Especially when it comes to buying and wearing clothes. A woman will be horrified to go to a party and find another woman is wearing the same dress. A man, however, will be happy to know that another man has the same taste as he when he sees him wearing the same suit, or shoes, or shirt.

Let’s assume a friend will see me in this shirt. Since I’m a guy, in my mind the meeting would play out like this:

The friend will say, “Hey, nice shirt.”

I’d answer, “I paid three bucks for it.”

Friend: “No kidding. Where did you buy it?”

“At Wal-Mart.”

“Do they have any left?”

“There were quite a few when I bought it, but they may be gone now. I mean, for three bucks. That’s a steal.”

“No kidding. I should take my wife there and show her the shirts. Maybe they’ll still have some and she’ll let me buy one. Maybe even a plaid shirt like yours. Wouldn’t it be cool if you and I would both wear the same shirt? I really like this shirt.”

“So do I. That’s why I bought it. And to think I only paid three dollars for it.”

“Unbelievable.”

My wife would probably be horrified to witness such a meeting. And my friend’s wife would be horrified to find out he’s even thinking about buying the same shirt for three bucks at Wal-Mart or any other place.

Now, if this meeting would take place with two women and it should so happen that one of them wears a three dollar blouse or dress, one she bought at a terrific sale price, it would go down in a different way. There would be no mention about getting a bargain. 

When I tried on the shirt at home, even my wife admitted it fit nicely and I looked good in it.

There is only one thing still. The shirt hasn’t been washed yet. Will it still fit and will the material still look nice after the first wash? Or will it be in the next package my wife donates to #Goodwill?